Drunken Kareoke
by Braided Baka Girl
Summary: Turks plus Alcohol plus Kareoke machine equals the destruction of all songs you hold dear. Watch as Reno sings, Elena records, and everyone just gets drunk. May contain slight yaoi in future parts, but none at the moment. Now easier to read, hopefully!
1. The Ultimate Showdown

The idea for this bit of randomness basically came around while reading Final Fantasy VII fanfics and listening to the song 'The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny' by Lemon Demon at the same time. Hope it makes at least one of you laugh, and any requests for other songs will be considered.

Dislaimer: I do not own either Final Fantasy VII, Advent Children, the above song, and any of the characters within. If I did, Sephiroth would be having hot sweaty sex with both Zack and Cloud at the same time, instead of being dead.

* * *

Alcohol, Life's answer to the pain of living. It also acts as one of the easiest roads to good entertainment, at least according to Rude's drunken philosophy as he sits in this small pub. This can be seen in the fact that his equally-drunk co-worker's staggering walk up to the small karaoke machine in the corner of the room indicates that something is about to happen. Hopefully something that can be used for blackmail services, thanks to the video camera that Elena, now used to Reno's drunken behaviour, has just taken out of her bag. Tseng and Rufus just look at each other, shrug, then look back at Reno, wondering what mischief he's up to now.

Rude's attention is suddenly distracted by the sound of the mic turning on with a loud screech. Reno, who actually managed to get up on the stage without falling off, was about to start this evening's entertainment.

"Well, here's a little song I came up with one day after drinking a hell of a lot of various alcohol mixes. Here's a tip for you, NEVER drink a cocktail called a Deathstar. It will kick your ass," the red-haired Turk slurred into the microphone before launching into one of the weirdest songs Rude had ever heard.

"_Old Ultimate Weapon was hopping around_

_The Planet like a big playground_

_When suddenly Chaos burst from the shade_

_And hit Ultimate with a Fire grenade_

_Ultimate got pissed and began to attack_

_But didn't expect to be blocked by Tifa_

_Who proceeded to open up a can of Tifa Fu_

_When Scarlet came out of the blue,_

_And she started slapping up Tifa Lockheart_

_Then they both got flattened by the Highwind_

_But before it could make it back to North Crater_

_President Shinra popped out of his grave_

_And took an AK47 out from up his ass_

_And blew Chaos away with a rat-a-tat-tat_

_But he ran out of bullets and he ran away_

_Because Proud Clod came to save the day._

_This is the Ultimate Showdown of Final Fantasy VII_

_Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see_

_And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be_

_This is the Ultimate Showdown of Final Fantasy VII._

_Ultimate took a bite out of Optimus Prime_

_Like Palmer took a bite out of lard_

_And then Tifa came back covered in cigarette ash_

_But Tseng jumped out and landed on her back_

_And Chaos was injured, and trying to get steady_

_When ol'President Shinra came back with a machete_

_But suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped,_

_Zacky-boy took him out with his big-ass sword._

_Then he saw Ultimate sneaking up from behind_

_And he reached for his gun which he just couldn't find_

_'Cause Chaos stole it and he shot and he missed_

_And Tseng deflected it with his fist_

_Then he jumped in the air and did a summersault_

_While President Shinra tried to pole vault_

_Onto Proud Clod, but they collided in the air_

_Then they both got hit by a Jenova Stare, oooh._

_This is the Ultimate Showdown of Final Fantasy VII_

_Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see_

_And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be_

_This is the Ultimate Showdown..._

_Angels sang out in immaculate chorus_

_Down from the heavens descended Sephiroth_

_Who deliver a kick which could shatter bones_

_Into the crotch of Zack,_

_Who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain_

_As Chaos changed back into Vincent Valentine_

_But Seph saw through his clever disguise_

_And he crushed Vinnie's head in between his thighs._

_Then Aerith the American and Aeris the European and_

_"Advent Children"'s Kadaj, Yazoo,and Loz,_

_Yuffie Kisaragi and Hojo the bastard and_

_Cid Highwind and Palmer (Don't forget the lard!)_

_Barret, Biggs, Wedge, and that Jessie woman_

_Knights of the Round, Odin, every single Bahamut-summon,_

_Rufus Shinra and Reeve,_

_Reno, Rude, Tseng, and Elena_

_All came out of nowhere lightning fast_

_And they kicked Sephiroth in his sexy ass_

_It was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw_

_With everyone else looking on total awe._

_And the fight raged on for a century_

_Many lives were claimed, but eventually_

_The champion stood, the rest saw their better:_

_Mister Strife in a bloodstained sweater._

_This is the Ultimate Showdown of Final Fantasy VII_

_Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see_

_And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be_

_This is the Ultimate Showdown..._

_This is the Ultimate Showdown..._

_This is the Ultimate Showdown..._

_Of Final Fantasy VII."_

Flushed and grinning, Reno bowed to his applauding audience of drunken Turks and barflies.

"Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week."

With one last wave, Reno took one step forward and fell off the stage. Luckily, he was unconscious before he hit the floor.

Definitely blackmail material.


	2. Ode to a Supervillian

Well, instead of continuing my very important assignments I need to do, I decided to bring you all another travesty of justice and good taste. This time round, it's Cloudy-boy's turn in the spotlight, and it's a parody of Weird Al's "Ode to a Superman", which in turn is a parody of Billy Joel's "Piano Man".

I also apologise for the last chapter, I tried to split it up into the correct verses, but no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked. Hopefully this is better.

WARNING! This contains yaoi references. Don't like, don't read, and bugger off and don't complain that I'm forcing you to read something you don't like.

Disclaimer, I don't bloody own any Final Fantasy character, nor the original songs. I'm just doing this for laughs, although if someone can buy me Reno, I'd gladly become their sex-slave for life.

* * *

Same time, same place, only a different night and different people. The pub is still small, the alcohol still good, and the lighting still dim, with the badly-misused karaoke machine in the corner. Perched on the corner of the bar, the ex-Turk turned science experiment, Vincent Valentine, sat quietly with one hand on his gun, intently scanning the room and its occupants.

Reno, his high tolerance for alcohol lowered thanks to the medication for the concussion gained after his fall off the stage, was currently half asleep with his head in Tseng's lap. Tseng, on his part, was talking to Rufus while idly stroking Reno's hair. Rude, on the other side of the table, was intently discovering the secrets of the universe in his lager.

Meanwhile, Elena was at the bar, showing the recording of Reno's last performance to Yuffie and Tifa, who, along with the rest of Avalanche, had stopped in for a few drinks. The maniacal giggles and the obvious blackmail plans occurring was enough to make even the bravest male steer clear of the trio.

Barret and Cid were at one of the smaller tables, showing off in the time-honoured tradition of males, having an arm-wrestling contest. Judging by the amount of concentration from both parties, there was some sort of bet on the outcome of this match. Red XIII was sitting nearby watching, just in case one or the other tried to cheat.

Dancing on one of tables near the stage, Cait Sith seemed to be trying his best to cheer up the other occupant of that table; one Cloud Strife, who seemed strangely intent upon the pint in his hand. Judging by the fact that said drink was both purple and glowing, it was some form of a mako-based cocktail, and going by the small army of empty glasses around him, not his first of the night.

It seemed that the reason for this apparent conversion to the binge-drinking culture could be found at the last table in the nearby corner. There, leather-clad and playing cards, sat none other than the Great Sephiroth himself, his glowing green gaze drifting from the cards he held in his hand to the back of Cloud's neck. Next to him sat Loz, chatting away to his silent neighbour, completely unaware that Kadaj, who was sitting on the other side of him, was taking advantage of his distraction to look at his cards. Yazoo, sitting across from Loz, could see all this happening but, judging by the fact that Kadaj was mouthing which cards Loz had at him, seemed happy to let this cheating occur undetected. Nearby on a shelf, two small glass jars, containing Jenova's head and the liquidified remains of Hojo, were both screaming at the quartet. It is to be noted that all four were steadfastly ignoring the two jars, obviously angry at the occupants.

No one knew how they came back from the dead, or why they were sitting in that bar playing cards, and quite frankly, no one wanted to wander over and ask.

Suddenly, under the effects of the sinful drink and willing to do anything to get away from the oddly-disturbing gaze of his rival, Cloud stood up and drunkenly staggered over to the karaoke machine in order to get his mind off it. Yuffie, spotting the sudden movement, alerted her fellow conspirators. Elena responded immediately by taking out her ever-present camera from her bad and started filming.

Having managed to get up on stage without any need for an ambulance, Cloud turned on the machine, opened his mouth and started to sing.

"_General Sephiroth was powerful,_

_Rank couldn't have been any higher._

_People would always notice him,_

_With silver hair and eyes glinting with Mako-fire_."

A raised silver eyebrow came from the object of this song in the corner, while a goofy smile, a snicker, and an interest silence came from the other three occupants of that table. The rest of the room, or at least the sober ones, were all wondering when the blood shed would start.

"_Then one day he found that old basement lab,_

_That bitch Jenova came down._

_Oh, and now Sephy's started his madness fall,_

_And he's burning down the town_!"

This verse was punctuated by a few shrill shrieks from said bitch's jar, while a small smirk appeared on Sephiroth's face. For some reason, it seemed that the ex-General did not like his 'mother' anymore.

Meanwhile, reminded by the song, Tifa sat up to glare at the ex-General, but quickly stopped when he stared back. His look was both more effective and scarier.

"_Lah la lah did di la_

_La la lilli lahhahhah de dom_"

"_Sling us a materia, you're the psycho man!_

_Sling a materia tonight!_

_We're all in the mood to be heroes now,_

_And we need a villain to fight_!"

At this point, Cloud had to step to the side in order to dodge a thrown materia. No one was sure who threw it, but for some reason Reno, who had woken up once the music started, was drunkenly giggling to himself.

"_Now Zack from Gongaga's a friend of his,_

_Who's often hyped up on Mary Jane._

_But to his great surprise, it seems Sephy prefers_

_To screw up other people's brains_."

The laughter started getting louder, and was joined by those from the Shinra group who could remember Zack. Sephiroth, remembering the antics of his former second-in-command, gave a small snort and the smirk was back on his face. There was also a number of blank looks from those too innocent to know what 'Mary Jane' is.

"_I'm going to my mother"_

_That's what Sephy said._

_If you missed Nibelheim burning, don't worry!_

_You'll see that flashback again and again and again_."

This time around, Tifa's glare had an extra bit of fire in it. However, it still could not compete with the cat-eyed stare, forcing yet another retreat.

"_Oh lah la la, de de dah._

_Lah la lili de daaa da dom_."

"_Now Hojo's a freaky weird scientist,_

_Who did his best to screw up his son._

_But then he went screwy(er) and before you knew he_

_Was trying to breed everyone_."

At this point, a growl could be heard from nearby Hojo's jar, which gave out a squeak as Red XIII, still remembering his time spent in Hojo's lab, bared his teeth at the gloopy remains of the mad scientist. His squeak for help started a ring of evil smirks and snickers from the nearby table.

"_So now Sephy's running around killing things,_

_And throwing that materia of destruction._

_Yes he's wearing that black leather coat,_

_But he's sexier without anything on_."

A stunned silence met this verse, broken only by two whoops of laughter and wolf whistles, one from Reno and the other from Kadaj, while Loz just chortled and Yazoo gave an amused smirk.

Sephiroth just leaned forward and gazed intently at the singer.

"_Sling us a materia, you're the psycho man!_

_Sling a materia tonight!_

'_Cause you're strong and fast, and we need the help,_

_But where did you come up with that Bizarro Sephiroth fight_?"

This chorus again included an impromptu dance from Cloud as he tried to dodge a number of materia thrown at him from all parts of the room.

"_It's a pretty sad day at the funeral,_

_Aerith the flower girl has bitten the dust._

_And I heard everyone say they want Sephy dead,_

_But somehow I doubt they can get over the lust_."

For some reason, a majority of the room either blushed or whistled innocently at this point. A couple of the audience even did both.

"_Oh, and Meteor's all hot for the Planet now,_

_But Holy and the Life Stream shuts it down._

_Sephy don't cry, you can give it another try,_

_When the movie comes around_."

A loud cheer and laughter from the table in the corner greeted this verse, and the sound of pint glasses raising a toast could be heard, at least from three of the occupants. The fourth was too busy looking at the swaying singer on the stage with an unreadable expression on this face.

"_Oh, la la la di de da._

_La la, di de da da dum_."

"_Sling us a materia, you're the psycho man!_

_Sling a materia tonight!_

_Because we need a sexy villain for the fangirls now,_

_And I think you'll do all right_!"

Cloud, again dodging the flying orbs, unfortunately went too close to the edge of the stage and fell, mimicking the ending of Reno's performance the night before. However, unlike last night, a pair of arms grabbed him before he hit the ground and held him against a muscled chest. Looking up, Cloud's eyes met a pair of glowing green cat eyes and a wide smirk. Gathering his prize, Sephiroth did an about-turn and walked out of the bar, accompanied by loud laughter, knowing smirks, cat-calls, and a crash as Kadaj tipped over his chair in his mirth. At least from the trio of silver-haired fighters and a drunken red-haired Turk. The rest of the room sat in silence, many shocked , mainly Avalanche, while others had eyebrows raised and smiles on their faces, mainly Turks and one President.

And Hojo and Jenova? Their screams could be heard from a mile away, but nobody really cares about them.


End file.
